Oplan: Passive ME

Exactly two months before the first Sunday of the bar examinations. I am not yet done with the first reading phase of all the bar subjects. What got me to write?

I am procrastinating! Literally doing it and attributing it to people. Well in fact, it is all just me. I got myself to things I am not supposed to meddle with. Now, I am just so hooked; therefore, should be bound to be a little bit subdued if I am to set my priorities right. Not that I intend to be less of a friend or of a sister or less of who I am to them, but I know this is what I have to do… now, for myself.

This is what sacrifice entails. I have to do this. If that would mean I will be less available… I am sorry. I know they will understand. But will I be able to sustain it? Will I be able to understand myself? I hope so.

Things are getting out of hand. Got myself too affected. So I had to do something for myself. Maybe it is also telling me something else–that my stand on certain matters has been affected by what I have been all along. I have been bad. Maybe, I really have to make an active effort to get myself off it this time. Maybe I have not been objective the whole time though I may have seemed to try.

The fact remains, I have to be a bit more passive from this moment on. I have to be a little half-hearted of things not mine and be more focused and enthusiastic of what is given me. I have to trudge my own path. Let people make their own decisions, resolve things their way, do things based on how they want to do it while I EYE ON MY OWN CHALLENGE and  most importantly, LIVE GOD’s WILL FOR ME.

Resolved. Ready? I hope. Crossing my fingers. Three-day hibernation is my first step to being a bit detached but myself. Still forgiving and loving myself for a temporary me I have to put on.

Nakakaaliw na thoughts

two days in hibernation and i’m looking forward to more in the coming days. daming changes sa mga tao lalo na sa mga kakilala ko.

nakakaaliw ‘yung thoughts ko kanina lang… question is: why do we hurt? Why do we think we hurt? Why do we think other people hurt us?

Well, we really hurt. It is inevitable. It is a manifestation of existence (parang redundant). But does it have to be in relation to how other people treat us? Do we really have to attribute it to how others relate to us? In psychology, it is referred to as “fundamental attribution error”.

I realized (though absorption will come in much later, i guess) that it is not always about and because of others. In love, for example, we must grasp that most of the time, we hurt not because the other seems to be well or living well without us. Sometimes, it is not about them trying to show us that they are better off without us. It is actually just about them. Solely and independently. Not in any relation to us. They maybe ok not in any connection to us not being around them. They are simply ok. Period. Simple. It is not always about us loving them. It is not always about us thinking that our presence in their lives is all that they need.

Haha! wala lang. naisip ko lang. A thought I had because of somebody I know, just before i proceed to transportation laws. hehehe!

:-)

I need a RESET button

RESET me now!!!

I need to be ok. I need to get back on my feet. I need to literally bounce back. This situation cannot drag me any longer. This has to stop. The countdown to September literally began. 90 days according to Yari. Wooh!!! So, this has to stop.

BOUNCE BACK, Gene! Bounce back!

Plus I hate the fact that I have become the epitome of an “emo” and “pessimist”! I cannot exude that. That cannot be what people see when they look at me. I must go back. It cannot span as long as the illness, as long as I feel helpless because as resigned, I am powerless.

Maybe going back home will help. Maybe staying there will make me well. Maybe staying away from what may be causing the sadness will give me that RESET button. Hibernation.

What finally got me to write

It is so funny. My last entry was a day before I took leave from office for formal bar review. What finally got me to write again? I must admit, there were a lot of blessings to share, so many events which transpired. They are all worth writing about–deliberations, graduation, start of formal review, Papa Taba’s 63rd Birthday, among others. Not that what got me to write now stands out among the things mentioned. They are just so overwhelming that I guess, words would not be enough to convey how I felt about all of them.

And now, there are so many thoughts and I feel I am bothered by a lot of things. I’ve started formal review. I am not doing anything now aside from reviewing (I am referring to the fact that I’ve dropped work temporarily). It is draining and monotonous. But that is something we all have already expected.

What finally got me to write then? What could have brought about such feeling that I so wanted to write now?

He is sick. I cannot do anything about it but say “Pagaling ka.” Sure, I have resigned to the smallest and even the most negligible role. I just feel helpless. I am feeble. I know I am in no position to do anything too actively. I know. But let me just air this here. This is my place, my comfort zone, right?

But really, I am worried. And I cannot be too vocal about it to anyone. What can I do? I hope he gets well soon. I hope he be well taken cared of. This is not the first time I got alarmed of his being sick. Good thing she is there. It is so nice to know he is cared for by somebody he wanted to care for him. Just what he needs, I believe.

I must admit, I wanted to do something for him as well. I wanted to do even the littlest, a step beyond what role I have now. cook food, buy medicines, etc. but i cannot do that. Pathetic? Maybe.

She is blessed. She has the chance to do it for him. Whatever interpretation there is for this that I feel now, I AM SO SORRY. I just have to let it out.

Then I felt less of myself. Am I not so caring enough? Am I unworthy and so undeserving to care for someone? Or really that this is a role I am bound to play? Thus, a resignation.

I just pray you get well. Take care, my friend. Take care.

"moment" lang

Haha! This is so funny. Part of the daydream, I guess. It may be wanting to get more reasons to continue thinking about a happy thought. Hehe! I came across this in my archived files:

Labdude: ano ba talaga? Can you just tell me what’s in your mind? What’s in your heart?

Gene: …….

Labdude: c’mon.

Gene: I just don’t want to lose you in any way that whatever it must be that we have to be then so be it.. I just want things clear..

Gene: gets mo?

Labdude: vague.

Gene: that I want to be on the right track.. that I want to get a grasp of what it is.. that I want to be able to understand but not demanding.

Gene: get it?

Gene: meaning that whatever it is in my mind and heart can go with what it should be, that it can settle with where it should be as long as I don’t lose what we have.

Labdude: ya. U told me that before. I know that already. And I’ll never forget about that. It thought it is something else you have to say.

Labdude: nyway, thanks for the assurance that you’ll just be right there. We’ll never lose what we have unless we let it.

So nice. Very timely. I was inspired. I was given more reason to be positive about it. My faith was strengthened. I don’t have the hard copies of my journal where everything is written. It is now in the hands of someone I have entrusted it with. I have handed it to someone who was with me during the surrender. Coming across some of them in my files is cute. I’m hanging on to the happy thought. Dami pa actually na SAD lines and memories sa files. Yoko na lang magdwell. Hehehe! Dito lang. Selective na kung selective. Hehehe! Ako ‘to e.

I will ALWAYS love you (my way).

Years passed.

I know you are the first person I have known to love romantically. Most especially, you are the first person I have known to love unconditionally. I did inspite what we had before. Physical distance separated us. We’ve gone our own ways. People came to make us forget or at least set aside the thought of each other.

Destiny had its way of bringing us back together, at least the way I have viewed it. We did. I am glad we have crossed each other’s paths once more. I never really have left your road, I just took some turns, made some stopovers.

However, circumstances had to again come in between us. The realizations, again, would have to interfere and work their way to part us. Change of mind would have to, again, separate me from you.

I was brokenhearted. But risks cannot be taken at this point. Chances are last option. I cannot go beyond what I can do at the moment. I cannot make any investment. I cannot open my heart even if it is you. I cannot tell you “I love you” even if I want to and even if it may be a way to have you.

Let me just dally in my momentary sadness instead for later on, I know I will still and always will love you, my way. I shall carry with me the thought that behind your facade is ONE of the nicest MEN I have come across this lifetime. And though we don’t tell, I know we know what this we have. Let us keep it. I shall bring with me the feel of your cuddle, just now we did. I shall carry the thought of the sweet little things that made me emotionally attached once more, despite my defenses.

You had me then.. with your waking up in the middle of the night to stretch my feet to help me with my night cramps, your getting into the toilet with me and tapping my back and washing my face from the ruins I made for being drunk, your telling me your encouraging words. I have superlative things to say about you, you may even be surprised. I have just not been too vocal about it because you know I am not that with you, we are never that with each other.

You have me now with your cuddle, with your unintended ways to show you care because it manifests to me that I have the Man I kept my faith with and for, your carefree moves which effortlessly bring me to the light side of life I rarely reach in the normal course of things.

Ni hindi ko kailangang malungkot. Hindi ko kailangang hayaan na gumuho ang mundo ko. Kung bakit, hindi ko alam. Basta ang alam ko… Sa’yo, ang sarap sabihin at maramdamang inlove ako sa pamamaraang alam ko sa ngayon.

Apektado (revised)

I should have put on my defenses sooner. I should have placed them back on earlier.

These are better words left to say. Need not and would not say anything further. Enough.

craving to write

I want to write. I want to make a new post.

I want to write about my pre-christmas sadness. I want to write about how our noche buena went. I want to write about how my christmas day was spent. I want to write about how I miss my sister and how much I wanted to see my nephew. I want to write about my lolo, how much I miss him and how I wanted to profess my regrets for not being able to spend enough time with him. I want to write about how much the family is grieving, how we are coping up and how we are starting to move on and get on with our lives now. I want to write how I hate myself for forgetting even for split seconds that I have lost him. I want to write how sad I am for not being able to do what I have planned before the year ends. I want to write about not being able to set myself for my new year’s resolution. I want to write about how ecstatic I was for a time when I saw that smile. I want to write about how I am starting to feel how much I will be cramming in the months to come. I want to write about how I hope this year will be. I wnat to write about Civil Law Review I class. I want to write about how I wanted to spend my time before formal review. I wanted to write about how excited I am to graduate (except that I am hindered by my needle hole Civ I class).

I wanted to write about a lot of things. But I can’t get myself to do it. They are all cluttered. Too many thoughts. Cannot even think of better terms to include in a sentence. Sigh.