Impatient

Weekend. Saturday morning, I’m still in bed suffering from ladies’ monthly sickness. I sometimes hate getting moments like these, give me the chance to think of things I should not be thinking about.

I opened my previous yahoo mail address where some memories are. This time, I did it on purpose. I wanted to see what my reaction would be once I come across them. Nothing but gratitude. I am glad. If ever I felt sad, that is because “sayang” sya. Because honestly, with the people I meet now, with the individuals I consider to be potentials, he stands out still. Sa isang bagay lang naman talaga sya pumalya, yun nga lang… sa pinakaimportante pa. I hope I am not trying to find him in everyone I meet. I think I am not. Just that, the things I look for are the ideals I have and just so fortunate he somewhat has them. Wah! Ayoko na magdwell.

I feel I am becoming so impatient lately. I want to be able to earn enough and get my own car. I want to travel. I want an Asian cruise at least. I want to do a constant volunteer work. I want to get another job. I want to get this and that. I want to do this and that. I am impatient. I know, I know, it is wrong. Everything remains to be uncertain. That’s why, whenever I pray that HE lets me pass the test, I also pray that HE makes me pure and worthy to receive the GREAT blessing. I only have three months to pray about it. Limited time to plead. Pakiramdam ko? Takot na takot na ako.

That is why I try to divert my attention. Minsan sa mga less important things pa. First time I will tell about him. There is this one person. Never will I disclose his name, kaya itatago na lamang natin sya sa pangalang, “Akala ko sayang ka”. Hahaha! Effort na effort to keep his identity. I have been giving so much time and attention towards this person. Feeling ko kasi talaga ok sya. Challenging, mabait, tahimik, funny, successful, goal-oriented, family person, sweet and mysterious. He makes me smile even with simple things. And, he got me really occupied. Rare that a guy does that. I feel I have to brag about him more pero it is funny I can no longer think of words to do that. Not that there are no more to say. Siguro bad trip lang ako ngayon sa kanya. Maybe he is pre-occupied with his own thing lately when I, on the other hand, is done with my pleading and I am now in my relaxation mode. Have so much time to spend for him pero sya naman ang wala. Basta. Siguro hindi nga sya. I have to get back on track. Let him pass. To be that someone kasi… You have to show me that you GENUINELY care. You have to show me that you give me the attention I want even if it entails a little more from you. If you can’t give me that, then baka hindi nga pwede.

Hahaha. Cluttered thoughts today. SUSPECT: Month’s visit. Hahahaha!:-D