Cannot think of a title

Disclaimer: My issues do not equal the Maguindanao Massacre. Hindi kayang tumbasan ng issues ko ang pagsigaw ng damdamin ng kung sino mang agrabyado sa Pacquiao-Ranillo love affair. It cannot match to whatever is going on inside the mind of whoever the next President of the Philippines will be. I know there is a bigger world out there… that my presence would not even create a ripple. But I hope I get my chance to air what I feel.:-(

It wasn’t a good week. Work is not ok. I had to do a Memorandum due by December 1 and I can’t even finish. That doesn’t make me sad. What frustrates me is the feeling of inadequacy. I feel I am not good enough… Not even enough. Parang wala akong kayang gawin. Parang wala akong improvement. Parang walang nagbago sakin. Parang lahat ng tao, nagdududa na kaya ko ring maging isa sa kanila… na magiging abugada din ako sa lalong madaling panahon. Parang lahat sila, iniisip na ndi pa yun mangyayari sa oras na aking inaasahan. I may just be paranoid. But please!!! It is a VERY SENSITIVE issue! Everything’s uncertain. Almost everything around me is in the brink of being unfavorable. So please… if it is about it, I better not hear it. If you have thoughts particularly pertaining to it, keep it to yourself. If you care enough, help me just improve myself. My faith is in a limbo… between believing HE will give it to me and that I still do not deserve it yet. So please… if you may just help me think of ways to improve. I know I can. I believe I have the heart. Ang kailangan ko lang ay mga taong may malasakit… malasakit na ako’y turuan, palakasin ang aking loob. Hindi kailangan na sabihan ako ng mabubuting bagay na hindi naman din totoo… sa halip, ang kailangan ko ay mga salita na may laman at hindi lamang hangin na wala ni katiting na tiwala. Basta. Ayoko namang hilingin sa Diyos na ipakita sa kanila na sila’y mali, that would not be a good bargain. That didn’t enter my mind from the very beginning. Ang gusto ko lang ay ituon ang aking isip sa misyon na sinabi kong akin bago ko pa suungin ang laban kasama ang Diyos. Pakiusap…

To end the week, I met with college friends. Another friend is about to marry. The third of the weddings I will be attending to in the next two months. First, Marcus and Maan’s, my friends from lawschool. Second is Diane and Clyde’s, Diane is my highschool bestfriend. Third, is Lenmark and Mae’s, Mae is a really close friend from UP Psych. Then fourth, is my boss’s. And then, Emer and Rish’s. They are all taking the next step.

When my friend Eunice got home from the meet up, she sent me an SMS telling me she had a great time with the group again. I told her I missed those times. Sabi nya sumakit daw ang panga nya. Then she said “oo nga, parang wala lang nagbago… maliban… may asawa na sila… tayo wala pa!” Sabi ko naman, “Ay, korek, eu! Naisip ko lang yung mga darating na taon… Sana wala pa ring magbago, maliban sana may asawa na rin tayo.” Aww…

When I got home, i placed Mae’s invitation to the other invitations i got. Then, made me think… grabe! ang tanda na nga namin. those people i once exchanged notes during perception class and spent nights doing term papers and discussing life-changing matters with. My closest friends are about to live their lives with people which, as I quote Mae said, “nakakatuwa lang yung feeling na secured ka… yung pakiramdam na kahit ilang beses kayong mag-away, ok lang. mapapagtiyagaan ka nya. yung kayo pa rin.” They already are secured. They are all marrying.

Then, i thought… when will i get my turn (hehe!)…

“I want to hold a hand when i pray;

one i would place food on a plate for; 

i will send messages telling where I am or what i’m doing when i feel like it;

cook food for;

choose clothes for or at least as to what colors match;

spend holidays with;

pick me up when it is already late;

feel comfortable answering my difficult and serious questions without throwing the questions back at me;

tell me “i miss you” and mean it;

spend time with my family and join us in dining out;

watch tagalog movies with me;

i would hug from the back;

put food into his mouth while he drives;

i would get lost with;

get stuck in traffic with;

discuss national issues with;

would understand my period;

I would say “i love you” to and “i’m in love with you”;

stay in love with and deeper everyday.

Dami pa yan. Gusto ko lang i-save sa isang malupit at bonggang bonggang marriage vow. I will be hearing a lot in the next months. Gene, prepare. Bawal ang magtumbling. hehehe!

P.S. This entry took some time for me to finish. Really wanted to write that night kasi i know my emotion’s too much to contain, I had to write them down and express. Pero I had to attend to something more important.. A close friend is leaving in a month. “I support your decision and I know you’ll grow in taking this next step. I am just sad because I know I surely will miss you. There could have been more that we can share. You’ve been a constant person. You’ll be missed, tsong. You take care of yourself there, ok? Make sure someone looks after you (kahit na nawiweirdohan ka sakin na kailangan ko pa ibilin yun, e matanda ka pa sakin). Basta, basta. Now, SG will surely be one country to visit considering lalo na andun ka na. Dalawin ka namin” Hayy… hindi ka na 3 tumblings-away. Ibang level na ‘to. See you soon, friend.”