What finally got me to write

It is so funny. My last entry was a day before I took leave from office for formal bar review. What finally got me to write again? I must admit, there were a lot of blessings to share, so many events which transpired. They are all worth writing about–deliberations, graduation, start of formal review, Papa Taba’s 63rd Birthday, among others. Not that what got me to write now stands out among the things mentioned. They are just so overwhelming that I guess, words would not be enough to convey how I felt about all of them.

And now, there are so many thoughts and I feel I am bothered by a lot of things. I’ve started formal review. I am not doing anything now aside from reviewing (I am referring to the fact that I’ve dropped work temporarily). It is draining and monotonous. But that is something we all have already expected.

What finally got me to write then? What could have brought about such feeling that I so wanted to write now?

He is sick. I cannot do anything about it but say “Pagaling ka.” Sure, I have resigned to the smallest and even the most negligible role. I just feel helpless. I am feeble. I know I am in no position to do anything too actively. I know. But let me just air this here. This is my place, my comfort zone, right?

But really, I am worried. And I cannot be too vocal about it to anyone. What can I do? I hope he gets well soon. I hope he be well taken cared of. This is not the first time I got alarmed of his being sick. Good thing she is there. It is so nice to know he is cared for by somebody he wanted to care for him. Just what he needs, I believe.

I must admit, I wanted to do something for him as well. I wanted to do even the littlest, a step beyond what role I have now. cook food, buy medicines, etc. but i cannot do that. Pathetic? Maybe.

She is blessed. She has the chance to do it for him. Whatever interpretation there is for this that I feel now, I AM SO SORRY. I just have to let it out.

Then I felt less of myself. Am I not so caring enough? Am I unworthy and so undeserving to care for someone? Or really that this is a role I am bound to play? Thus, a resignation.

I just pray you get well. Take care, my friend. Take care.