Nakakaaliw na thoughts

two days in hibernation and i’m looking forward to more in the coming days. daming changes sa mga tao lalo na sa mga kakilala ko.

nakakaaliw ‘yung thoughts ko kanina lang… question is: why do we hurt? Why do we think we hurt? Why do we think other people hurt us?

Well, we really hurt. It is inevitable. It is a manifestation of existence (parang redundant). But does it have to be in relation to how other people treat us? Do we really have to attribute it to how others relate to us? In psychology, it is referred to as “fundamental attribution error”.

I realized (though absorption will come in much later, i guess) that it is not always about and because of others. In love, for example, we must grasp that most of the time, we hurt not because the other seems to be well or living well without us. Sometimes, it is not about them trying to show us that they are better off without us. It is actually just about them. Solely and independently. Not in any relation to us. They maybe ok not in any connection to us not being around them. They are simply ok. Period. Simple. It is not always about us loving them. It is not always about us thinking that our presence in their lives is all that they need.

Haha! wala lang. naisip ko lang. A thought I had because of somebody I know, just before i proceed to transportation laws. hehehe!

:-)

I need a RESET button

RESET me now!!!

I need to be ok. I need to get back on my feet. I need to literally bounce back. This situation cannot drag me any longer. This has to stop. The countdown to September literally began. 90 days according to Yari. Wooh!!! So, this has to stop.

BOUNCE BACK, Gene! Bounce back!

Plus I hate the fact that I have become the epitome of an “emo” and “pessimist”! I cannot exude that. That cannot be what people see when they look at me. I must go back. It cannot span as long as the illness, as long as I feel helpless because as resigned, I am powerless.

Maybe going back home will help. Maybe staying there will make me well. Maybe staying away from what may be causing the sadness will give me that RESET button. Hibernation.

What finally got me to write

It is so funny. My last entry was a day before I took leave from office for formal bar review. What finally got me to write again? I must admit, there were a lot of blessings to share, so many events which transpired. They are all worth writing about–deliberations, graduation, start of formal review, Papa Taba’s 63rd Birthday, among others. Not that what got me to write now stands out among the things mentioned. They are just so overwhelming that I guess, words would not be enough to convey how I felt about all of them.

And now, there are so many thoughts and I feel I am bothered by a lot of things. I’ve started formal review. I am not doing anything now aside from reviewing (I am referring to the fact that I’ve dropped work temporarily). It is draining and monotonous. But that is something we all have already expected.

What finally got me to write then? What could have brought about such feeling that I so wanted to write now?

He is sick. I cannot do anything about it but say “Pagaling ka.” Sure, I have resigned to the smallest and even the most negligible role. I just feel helpless. I am feeble. I know I am in no position to do anything too actively. I know. But let me just air this here. This is my place, my comfort zone, right?

But really, I am worried. And I cannot be too vocal about it to anyone. What can I do? I hope he gets well soon. I hope he be well taken cared of. This is not the first time I got alarmed of his being sick. Good thing she is there. It is so nice to know he is cared for by somebody he wanted to care for him. Just what he needs, I believe.

I must admit, I wanted to do something for him as well. I wanted to do even the littlest, a step beyond what role I have now. cook food, buy medicines, etc. but i cannot do that. Pathetic? Maybe.

She is blessed. She has the chance to do it for him. Whatever interpretation there is for this that I feel now, I AM SO SORRY. I just have to let it out.

Then I felt less of myself. Am I not so caring enough? Am I unworthy and so undeserving to care for someone? Or really that this is a role I am bound to play? Thus, a resignation.

I just pray you get well. Take care, my friend. Take care.