Apektado (revised)

I should have put on my defenses sooner. I should have placed them back on earlier.

These are better words left to say. Need not and would not say anything further. Enough.

Weekend and Weekstart Insights

It was a great weekend.

We’ve talked to my sister long distance and it was light and fun. Less of the feelign that there is a problem we’ve got to face. Rest for everyone for now.

I’ve met with the Rosarium staff and we’re off and ready to do final articles for the newsletter and committed ourselves to release the paper early March. Less emotions, focused on the goal. No to anything that would discourage us / me.

I got together with best friends. I attended Sunday Mass with Bab, Dee and inaanak Cai. He’s nowhere to be found again. They were scheduled to bring my Cai to Jollibee that day not until he had his mood swing again (wala talaga sa tamang hulog, o?!). I told Diane instead that we bring my inaanak to Jollibee. She has nothing to do with his father’s issues much more, she’s a child so innocent of domestic problems her parents have. There, she enjoyed her spaghetti and burger, never ending hello, flying kiss and babye to Jollibee. And her cute smile. Sigh… I pray you grow up with the idealisms your mom has. They are not at all difficult to attain. Sacrifices just have to be made. Diane sent me this message that night, “Friends are God’s way of taking care of us. ~~Sunday insight” And this I told her, “Friends are God’s way of telling us to keep on caring and showing it. I will always love you and be here for you.” Sigh… I just really hope things will be well for her and Cai. She deserves it. I’ll hang around, Dee.

Then, I got myself to really study. Very different to what I do when I am in Laguna. My parents asked for it during our Sunday prayer time. I’m not done yet but at least I’ve started reading. Hehe! The prayer is a shove.

This morning, I woke up with a friend’s message re his sadness of his love’s leaving for the States. Well, they are not together anymore since January (if I’m not mistaken). Everything since the time they parted are all just part of showing his love, good faith and about giving his best so there be no regrets in the end. He just told me how difficult it was for him that she left. I told him this, in a way telling him what I have learned myself,

x x x I know and understand how it feels to be away from the person you love much more not be able to see her and hold her. No matter what that person has done to you, it is your heart which teaches you to understand and so it is your heart that breaks at the mere lost of sight of her. But you’ll be ok in time. Think that perhaps the physical distance will fix whatever is wrong, teach what lesson there is and heal whatever must be. You’ll be ok in time, tsong… Sulk in your sadness for now. It’ll be healthy.

Conclusion: It was a fun, great, light and reaching weekend and a weekstart.

Light. Diversion.

The thought of you still makes me smile, and at times, it can still swing me to snivel.

Your presence still suffocates me.

A leap of my heart, though not comparable to, not even fingertip to the things I am into now. But at least, light enough to handle, aptly blithe to take my mind away from everything. Just what I needed. Whether it be positive or negative, I’ll temporarily choose to dwell on it.

If I can only tell you what you still are and what I hope you still be… for now, this, I have to say, “I AM SORRY FOR BEING FICKLE. I AM SORRY FOR SHIFTING MOODS. I AM SORRY IF I DID NOT SPEAK A WORD, NOT EVEN DID I GLANCE. I CANNOT STEP ON A LITTLE MORE. I AM TOO AFRAID IT IS GOING TO CAUSE ME WHAT IT DID STILL. IT IS THE LEAST THAT I NEED NOW. I STILL HAVE IT, I JUST CANNOT TAKE THE ACTIVE ROLE JUST YET. I AM HANGING AROUND. JUST THAT, I AM STILL AFFECTED.”

But thank you. Thank you for causing that momentary diversion.

:-)

God’s Word

My quest for answers, or at least comfort brought me to this:

February 13, 2009

Psalm Reading

Therefore, let everyone who is godly offer prayer to thee; at a time of distress, in the rush of greatwaters, they shall not reach him.

Thous art a hiding place for me, Thou preservest me from trouble; thou dost encompass me with deliverance.

                                                                                              ~~ Psalm 32: 6-7

Gospel

Then he returned from the region of Tyre, and went through Sidon to the Sea of Galilee, through the region of Decap’olis.

And they brought to him a man who was deaf and had an impediment in his speech; and they besought him to lay his hand upon him.

And taking him aside from the multitude privately, he put his fingers into his ears, and he spat and touched his tongue;

And looking up to heaven, he sighed, and said to him, “Eph’phatha,” that is, “Be opened.”

And his ears were opened, his tongue was released, and he spoke plainly.

And he charged them to tell no one; but the more he charged them, the more zealously they proclaimed it.

And they were astonished beyond measure, saying, “He has done all things well; he even makes the hear and the dumb speak.”

                                                                                           

                                                                                           ~~ Mark 7: 31-37

God, please make us all see. Please make us all proclaim Your Word. You have done all things well. So I completely offer them unto Your hands now.

The LEAD

I am on a plight. Probably this is going to be long running.

I am in the process of weighing things. I am hopeful they are with me in mulling over this difficulty we are into. And when I say “with me”, I meant to say with open hearts and minds and humbly, totally surrendering it to HIM.

Last night, I am just so much in chaos. Why? I talked to her. Things are becoming clearer. Clearly taxing, vividly saddening and absolutely emotionally draining for everyone in the coming days. I feared it. But she is tired. I understand her. I understand them. Do I really? Or am I just trying to stay neutral, avoiding to take sides for the possible consequences? I tried to divert my attention, redirect my efforts, and think of ways to get away from the problem. I asked some friends for a drink that night. Momentarily, I thought of getting drunk, definitely un-sober that if I am on the way to not being, I will just be too tired and doze off. After a few minutes, I remembered it was Wednesday. I would rather go to Baclaran, a far better option. I sticked to it that even when my friend Earl offered to accompany me, I refused and told him I have already planned of something to do. I planned to skip Prac Court to get to my destination early. But I do not want to get that absent mark in class (career!), I will get there anyway. In the middle of Prac Court, schoolmates campaigned for a certain party. My tsip lured me to cut class. Good thing he was just in the middle of asking me to leaving and eat that goto we have been planning for the longest time, my professor left the room. We went on our way and ate goto with egg and chicken (mali! parang yung kanya fried bawang and spring onion na sinahugan ng goto). Comfort food and comfort friend. Then I told him I initially wanted to have one bottle of beer. He thought it was a good idea. He said we can go, to the point of persuasion. I kept my ground. I told him I am going to Baclaran church. We parted ways at the LRT station. Not to drink.

When I got there, I was just restless. I was so uncertain of what to pray for and how I would do it. I just know I wanted to be there. I just know I have to talk. I was teary eyed, I know why but I know it was not just the time yet. My eyes were wandering. It is Wednesday, might see somebody I know, a celebrity I hoped. I’m just not focused. But I know I wanted that moment with HIM. Then I browsed some text messages instead. A friend’s text message directed me—to see Life the way HE made it. I am sure the friend did not intend it. But again, God really just wanted to give me that knock on the head and point me to the way HE wanted.

What was that life HE made?

I have the best family. I have the coolest parents–the wackiest papsy, the most comedienne of mothers. I have my most opposite-to-me sister but the most generous one, super big heart, among others. I have the most talented bro, passive yet available when most necessary. They are just the best. Yes, the family has its flaws. Likewise, too many to mention. However, absolutely not as superlative as the things I can declare to brag us and let people know of how proud I am to be part of the family. I know, i know, almost everyone would say our familes are just the best. Therefore, I will just rest my case.

What is my point? FAMILY. The Family HE created. Simple as it is.

With this “crisis” we have, I do not really have an idea yet of what is going to happen, or should I say the process of getting to what should happen because I am positive and faithful, we will get through this. Thus, still uncertain that I was, I just conveyed to HIM things that HE already knows– those I fear: I fear our baby will grow up without a father, without a family; that my sister will break her heart; that she will crash her very world; that she will not have what she has considered to be blessing now; that they will no longer lead people; that they will no longer make an effort to bring people close to HIM; that they will stop doing what they have considered to be their mission. Sigh… at the moment, my apprehensions are opposing.  But I know it could not just end there. GOD WILL LEAD US. HE WILL LEAD US. They cannot forever bump. We will get to the open hearts and minds. We will get to the compromise. As to when? I do not know. I hope it be soon.

Like a crying baby, I surrendered that night. I know I do not have the exact and clear answers just yet. One thing I know, the fact that I have realized what HE has made got me directed. I JUST WANT TO KEEP MY FAMILY.

HE ended that session with me with this to say: HE WANTED TO KEEP MY FAMILY INTACT. HE WANTED TO KEEP US BONDED. THEREFORE, WE WILL FIND OUR WAY TO THAT.

Service

 THE BEST WAY TO FIND YOURSELF IS TO LOSE YOURSELF IN THE SERVICE OF OTHERS.

                                                                                      ~~ Mahatma Gandhi                  

Last Sunday morning, I went to GK Manolo Village with friend Jayson and his brothers and sisters from SFC. It ended well a bad week and a tiring but fun Saturday.

As I have expected and hoped it will be, it feels so good and fulfilling to be able to serve free and help those people who have less. I have been active in doing outreach activities in college (thanks to Psychsoc Extercom and Mandala) and have done some once in a while during the past two birthdays and sometimes when I am blessed with so much.

The difference with what I do alone and that which I have done this Sunday was that there was more of a personal touch as to the latter. I am not constrained with how I may be able to deal with the kids. I got to know them even for a while. Instead of just giving them what I think they needed, I got to share with them a little bit of myself by cutting paper hearts for them, teach them to write for their parents, design a Valentine’s card for them, hear what they got to say for whoever they intend to give their cards to, care for them, cuddle to sleep an 8-month old baby, hold a 2-year old kid’s hands to guide him to write his “I love you, papa and mama”, paste more than 10 heart-shaped colored papers on a card for a kid to write on. It is definitely more than the material things I can offer. It brings forth so much joy to do that. It is so overwhelming that even expounding on the experience would not be enough, let alone insufficient to describe how it felt to hear them say “Ate Gene”, the most innocent and needing way one can do it, but which you can never tender deaf ears to. I miss it. Longed for it.

Let me end such experience of beggaring description with what a 4-year old kid wrote on his card for his parents: “Happy Valentine’s Day po, papa and mama. Salamat po kasi mahal ninyo ako. Salamat po sa lahat ng bigay ninyo sa akin. Kahit na po pinapalo ninyo ako, alam ko po mahal nyo ko. Thank you po.” Simple yet definitely beyond words. Pure and singular. Faithful.

Sequel: unable to stop what is bound

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.. or should i say, i did not really wake up because i do not even think i was able to sleep even for a minute. literal na puyat! was it my choice?! NO! So i have all the right to complain!

I have said it, exam… work… weekday. But why the?! I feel so bad! I have no sleep. Wasn’t even able to when we all stopped talking. Was not even able to change clothes. Whose fault? Who am I to blame? One is invading (for lack of a better term) and seemingly inconsiderate at that (again, lack of a better term) and the other who may be too blinded to make a good value judgment. Or is it the circumstances telling me that it is inevitable…?

What if it is? Sigh… I don’t know what to say. All I know is that I can’t handle the emotional consequences. I need us all in the coming months. Selfish? I think so. Unreasonable? I am positive. And I hate it. But how can i not be? How can i be focused on letting them live and letting them learn from it? Sigh.. I cannot control people. I know! But good intentions, as well as selfish ones… I am just afraid of what it’s gonna cause us and them. I know things are different, people involved are, but as I’ve learned, universally speaking, space and time comes in between after whatever. And I can’t handle that. We don’t need that. I’m a pessimist now and with that.

Is it really inevitable? Is it forthcoming? I am so afraid it is.

Why the deal out of it? Sleeplessness. Lethargy. Feeling of losing control. The bad feeling of being attached. The yearning to be detached. Used as an excuse. Overthinking. Among other things.

I do not want to be mean. I do not want to say things bluntly. I am still well aware that it is just me as abovementioned. I am still trying to rationalize things. I will ask, I will speak if I have gathered enough of my senses, the moment I have already pleated my thoughts. Maybe. When I have gained the strength to know even that of what I fear.

I am feeling so helpless. Helpless of the things I am overthinking at the moment and which I may not be in the future.

Thursday today. Conclusion: generally a bad week. I hope it will end well. How? Diversion. Answers to questions. Consideration. Everything contrary to what is now.

Baby Kitoy

I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO WRITE ABOUT HIM FOR THE LONGEST TIME. I JUST LOVE LOOKING AT HIS PICTURES… THE CLOSEST I COULD GET TO HIM. Sana may moving pictures. Hahaha! OUR BABY. I WANT TO SEE HIM. OUR COUNTDOWN TO OCTOBER!!!

Ang cute nya noh? 3-month old: He’s talking to my dad already as if he can already understand what papa is saying. Less than 4-month old: He is trying to get up from bed with a two-hand support. Tsaka, promise, para lang syang bubwit nuon, ngayon ganyan na sya kalaki! May tantrums nga lang madalas… parang tita niya. Hahaha!

:-)