mixed emotions.

i am finally done with midterm exams! political law review was ok. except that after talking to my friend earl who told me Atty. Sandoval is strict on grammar, i cannot help but worry. I was not able to reread my answers for editing and proofreading even. then civil law review 1. need i say more? my needlehole to graduation. i need to pass that subject. i have to pass it by hook or by crook. i have to excel in the months to come. got so disappointed with the test that i just slept the whole night without opening any book for practice court exam the next day. treated myself to chicken meal and hershey’s shake with zeena. aside from trying to take my mind off civ 1 exam, i had to divert my attention to something else then or shut it off rather than linger on some things. the next day, i had to force myself to read for practice court despite the fact that i am so at a lost of what to study. i knew only when i came to school an hour before the exam that we have to focus on evidence and criminal procedure. shocks. stock and stucked knowledge! i am just glad it  is over. hopeful that i will be able to graduate. cannot suspend it longer than march.

“we are co-existing now. i guess. at least as compared before. suprised but i am glad. if i ever have been inconsistent with you, with the both of you, forgive me. i am just so afraid that if i step on a little more, i would be pre-empting things, or be intruding, or be taking too much… then eventually hurt myself in the process. i do not intend to be fickle about what we have or what i have expressed to be mine… i’m still hanging around, literally, waiting, of what you have for me. i cannot impose it on you now. as i’ve said, it is upon your judgment. let us now live our lives as we are fated, unbounded by time.”

And, as for you who gives me this momentary plight… i wish you well. excuse me for not dwelling. i just cannot afford the investment at this point. i just cannot handle the emotion at the moment. and most importantly, i am not to invade into anyone’s place even if i am offered it and that even if i want to take it, especially if i know what it is gonna cause that person. WE ARE PLACED ON WHERE WE BEST SHOULD BE. Thus, if God allowed you to make that decision before, nothing or no one should take that away from you, not even me, not the circumstances which would later present itself to you. if you later on feel, after much trying, that you really are fated to be somewhere else and taking into account God’s ways of telling you so, then that is when you take on the different road, embrace what really is for you. i should end my take here. you know what we both deserve. i am just dallying for you.

burning bridges

i feel i have a lot of things to write about. i feel i have backlogs. i do not even know how to start. i am actually at a lost on how to make a connection from the time i made that entry prior to the one preceeding this one. i just know i want to write about them. but let me just interrupt that trail of thought by telling this story and those i have realized…

last friday, a classmate in political review class came in late. when asked by atty. sandoval, she relayed she had to fix some things at work as it was her last day, she resigned from work. then atty. sandoval was amazed and commended her for having “burned her bridges”. “she’s finally off for the bar, for one. no more turning back for her.” in a way, he is exaggerating. however, thinking about it, he’s got a point. we’ll have to sacrifice some things in order to make milestones.

then i begin to ask, have i burned my bridgeS? have i severed myself from things which make me hold back? for the bar, my bar leave is to start only on april 15, bar leave i have not even formally asked the office for. for “that”, i am definitely sure i have not. i still get affected by stories i hear which collapses my faith. makes me start a fire of the bridge which i, myself, would put off. upon hearing that he seemed to not even care about friends, i got really disappointed. again. earl opened up the fact about me being blinded. again. maybe, i still have glued myself to that image i have of him. i don’t know anymore. for now, i know i am just disappointed.

i want my bar leave. i want to start formal review. i want no reason to look back. and the greatest of my realizations… i want to somehow reform the life i have created for myself after leaving San Beda. there are things which i regret, those i would like to change, revert to how i was. especially those things which make me look down on myself causing people to look less of me, consider that i deserve less and even offer me less, of sorts. not that i am conceited, i just feel my self-image and that i made to people, changed in a lot of ways.

i do not know if i have coherence here. i am just on the notion that i have to burn those bridges, those which make me hold back, those which make me feel bad.

craving to write

I want to write. I want to make a new post.

I want to write about my pre-christmas sadness. I want to write about how our noche buena went. I want to write about how my christmas day was spent. I want to write about how I miss my sister and how much I wanted to see my nephew. I want to write about my lolo, how much I miss him and how I wanted to profess my regrets for not being able to spend enough time with him. I want to write about how much the family is grieving, how we are coping up and how we are starting to move on and get on with our lives now. I want to write how I hate myself for forgetting even for split seconds that I have lost him. I want to write how sad I am for not being able to do what I have planned before the year ends. I want to write about not being able to set myself for my new year’s resolution. I want to write about how ecstatic I was for a time when I saw that smile. I want to write about how I am starting to feel how much I will be cramming in the months to come. I want to write about how I hope this year will be. I wnat to write about Civil Law Review I class. I want to write about how I wanted to spend my time before formal review. I wanted to write about how excited I am to graduate (except that I am hindered by my needle hole Civ I class).

I wanted to write about a lot of things. But I can’t get myself to do it. They are all cluttered. Too many thoughts. Cannot even think of better terms to include in a sentence. Sigh.