gloomy since

i do not know what is happening. i am gloomy since last week. imbalance again? i was given a sign that it probably is. i have been crying for no unknown reasons lately. ive been searching too much. ive been agitated unreasonably. i hate this feeling. i cant go on like this every month. not whenever i’ll have my imbalance. especially when it is attributed to something.

i lost another friend. for the same reason. too bad.

friend: cge gene. ingat ka lagi. sana next time may time ka na sakin ha. matampuhin pa naman ang friend mo.

 

ok gene. di ko na alam kung saan ako lulugar e. parang mali lahat ng ginagawa ko para sayo.

 

gene: ndi ganun un. ndi ganun. ganito na ako noon pa. siguro ndi lang talaga tayo magkakilala. and eventhough you tell me how important i am to you, you don’t really look at who i am and what i want. yun ang kulang. un ang hindi natin napapagkasunduan. yun ang cause why your panliligaw doesn’t work. you so insist on things.

 

friend: di ko na nga makuha kung paano ka lalambingin. siguro kasi sobrang galing mo na.

 

gene: ndi ganun yun. ndi ganun. nagkataon lang na madalas ndi ko rin alam when i will and am hurting you and when i don’t. yun ang kinakatakot ko. kaya i cant tell you things straight kaya magulo.

 

friend: ok cge gene. magkakakilala rin siguro tayo kapag may time na tayo. Gene, mahal kita pero parang ndi ata ako bagay sayo kasi sobrang iba tayo.

 

gene: ndi ko actually alam paano magrereact sa sinabi mo. depende din yan kung saan at paano mo titignan ang pagkakaiba natin.

 

friend: ok. sana nga kapag tayo na talaga sobrang kilala na natin ang isa’t isa.

 

gene: nagtatampo ka ba? masama ba ang loob mo?

 

friend: ndi gene. parang pakiramdam ko lang, nanliliit ako sayo.

 

gene: don’t you ever feel that. never was i greater than you or anybody. sa friendship, walang mas magaling. always remember that i do appreciate you.

 

friend: cge lang gene.

 

gene: is it ok if i ask that you still stay? that you remain my friend?

 

friend: ok.

 

gene: I really do hope. im sad. minsan kasi i do not really know how to keep you the best way possible.

 

friend: ganun pa din naman ako kung paano mo ako nakilala noon.

 

gene: ako din naman. tulad pa din ng dati. let us put it simply… i wanted to keep you without havign the burden of doing it consciously by doing the things that will please you. I want to get to know you better kaya nga we do not talk on the same plane yet. sana maging ok ang lahat in time.

mukhang i lost another friend, by the same cause. too sad. when will i be understood? or when will i understand? this time, i played safe. this time, i didn’t venture into a more unstable condition. the problem is: there was not a compromise. i wanted to keep it, he’s got a different call. wala siguro ako magagawa sa ngayon.

walang handa e. hindi pa handa. sorry na lang. pero basta, ndi man ito handa, sumusubok ito.