Happy Birthday!

I know i maybe the last person you would want to be greeted by… but still from the bottom of my heart…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RAQUEL!

thank God for the life He has given you and the purpose He has created you for— your family, marcus, your loved ones… And I, myself would like to thank Him for the reason He has brought you to mine.

i am keeping my faith that in the perfect time, we’ll be able to see beyond what happened. In time, we’ll sync. I’m keeping my faith.

You enjoy your day. I thank you… because you seemed to have given my beloved friend the happiness i prayed he’ll have. And for that, among other things, I have more than enough reasons to wish you well.

reminiscing the ego with ninjas and samurai

We went out with college friends last night. was with my college close friend TED. He is still the same, has not changed, worse, he’s worse. Soaring high with his ego ever overwhemlming, suffocating at that.

What is weird, he seems to be negative on me, commenting on what i do, how i look and what i say… and aggravating it,  in a gradeshool manner. i just hate it. especially not then when i so missed him. too sad. then tell me i was never sweet? come on! how can i be?!

we all talked about ninjas and samurais. hehehe!:-) that made it a bit worthwhile. i hope to find my samurai. and i refuse to think that ive met one ninja. he’s not what Ted thinks he is. and i believe, SAMURAIs and NINJAs are not persons but phases.

babbling while on prelims

I am nothing

I will not heal.

Not for all time.

I’m struck by the lightning of love and burned beyond repair.

She’s a splinter that cannot be pulled out.

she’s part of everywhere i go. everywhere she is.

for my next movie, “love in the time of cholera”. it was quite a heavy film for somebody who is trying to unwind after Commercial Law Review exam. But it is of course, a lot better than doing nothing and keeping my mind off the fact that i m close to a contact but i simply have to go. i feel it really is not going to happen, not even anytime soon. too sad. i’m strucked by something so sudden, was not prepared and never was expected. healing must come. reconciliation must be imminent. i do not know how long i can still endure.

i’ve got more to do. i am really on the verge of leaving everything behind. a broken heart. but things will be better. i am keeping my faith. Not an addiction to anything, nothing to heal. i must get there by simply getting over it. not through anything.

The only thing I do to keep me sane is to follow my routine. Routine, though, is like a rust.

hitched to misery

Albert to Hitch:

“I have waited my whole life to be miserable. if this is the only way i can stay connected.”

Hitch to Albert:

“But you can change. You can adapt.”

Albert to Hitch:

“I expected better. I never thought you sell a product you don’t believe in.”

for my third movie, i saw “Hitch” again. it was fun. a real funny movie. above-quoted caught my attention. im probably snagged on to misery, reason why i feel im still the same because i want to keep this connection just like albert. Maybe i can’t let the thought go and the hope to fade that is why i am still miserable, at least based on how i analyze myself. is it good or bad? is it teaching me something or is it making me look stupid?

i don’t have answers yet. i’m still busy to think about it. it is my prelims week. so focus first.

post script: acknowledge

for my second movie, i watched “p.s. i love you”.

Patricia to Holly:

“So you’re all alone or not… You gotta walk ahead.

Because though we’re all alone, we are all together in that too.”

Acknowledge your loss. acknowledge that things are not the same. that though you have your family, your friends around you, that though you have all their support, you will feel alone. because indeed, there will come a  time in our lives that we’ll meet a person, be in a situation when everything seems to be just that, regardless of all others. I cannot really say that i did enjoy the movie. However, i did cry in the latter part. when Holly just ran to her mom crying. She felt alone after she lost Gerry. However, after she has surrendered and admitted the fact that she felt alone, that he is gone… then she’ve found the end of the dream that she has him still.

that was what the movie taught me. if i learn to submit, maybe, i’ll get to the end. if i learn to embrace the sadness, maybe i’ll get to the real and genuine conclusion, not one brought about by hallucinations, by an illusion that i’ll get what i want. i have to admit and be ready for the conclusion long awaited–the will to walk ahead and redeem thyself and finally let things go. thereafter, have eyes wide open for far better things. ACKNOWLEDGE and WALK AHEAD.

Blueberry and sobriety chips

I’M STILL IN PAIN! indeed, it is true that time does not heal the wounds. it is exactly 20 months and 10 days from then. time does not really know how to cure the pain. but where is my mercy?! if the time doesn’t, where is my mercy to do the healing? I’M STILL IN PAIN!

Last night, i started a new venture, watch at least one DVD per day, at least when i get home from work when there is no school or before i go to sleep.. why? for the possibility of knowing something i do not know yet. it is as well for the probability of getting answers to my questions or reasons for whatever state i am into right now. And for my first movie, i watched “MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS” starring jude law (jeremy) and norah jones (elizabeth).

Elizabeth: why do you keep all those keys in the first place?

Jeremy: Because if i don’t, those doors might be closed forever. and it is not for me to decide. should it?

Elizabeth: What are the stories behind those keys?

Jeremy: Different ones. but for some, there aren’t any reasons at all.

Elizabeth: of course not, there’s got to be reason for everything.

Jeremy: No. for sometime, they just happen. they’re just there. no reason at all.

That made me think.. really? Could there be just no reason for certain things? i cannot possibly agree to that! there’s got to be. i think we don’t hurt purposelessly. i think we do not cry for no cause. there’s got to be a reason for our sacrifices, right? that at the end of a road, it will make sense.

Elizabeth: It made me think… how do you actually say goodbye to someone you cannot live your life without? I did not say goodbye. i just walked away. and that night, i decided to take the longer way to cross the street.

Where is my way? Where am i to? Had i chose not to insist on saying goodbye, will things be different? Had i chose not to insist on staying, will things be different? Had i chose to go somewhere else, will i not regret? Or am i? I’M CONFUSED!

It is a good thing to channel your addiction to something. For Arnie, with his sobriety chips, it is a way to stay sober after every night of drinking (his way of coping up with his separation from his wife) and for Elizabeth, the blueberry pie. She feels good whenever Jeremy offers her the pie, eating the whole cake makes her feel better. What is my way to course out my addiction? What could it be? I hope i have my own blueberry pie or my sobriety chips…

I hope i have the same courage as that of Elizabeth’s, that she managed to give up her keys, to leave New York to be somewhere; and the will to take the longer way to cross the street. As i have realized in my previous blog entry, it may help to take on a longer way, it may even be the best way to cross. I have realized this, i will exchange anything and do anything to be somewhere else, anywhere but here… FOR NOW! I am too tired. I hope time will past soon enough to allow me to get somewhere without much damage. Old friend bene asked: “Place or situation?” My reply was “both.” I am sincerely praying.

I started my day crying, again. realizing my pain is still there. again, calling on to God to make me understand. This could not be purposeless. I won’t even bother ask the purpose why keys were left, why lives parted (not even to justify that some chose to run off with somebody else or that feelings jsut went away). I just want to be cured of this pain and reconcile. that is all. DESPITE THIS PAIN, I AM KEEPING MY FAITH.