Ulan at Kurot

Wari’y nais ng langit na lumuha para sa akin.

Sige, maaari ba?

Huwag mo na lamang samahan ng poot, galit o panghihinayang. Ok na ang simpleng pagluha. Ok din ang panandaliang paghikbi. Pero sapat na ang luha. Tama na ang tanong. Tama na ang pag-aalinlangan.

Handa ka na bang lumuha para sa akin?

Sabi na nga ba’t may kurot pa.

Kaya sige na.

Please, Lord…

LORD, please…..

the last time I begged of You is that You may give  it to me… Now, I’m begging you… please let me keep it.

You’re the most Powerful and to You alone do I surrender this as You alone can help me overcome.

Faith reveals great things

I know this is going to be one of the most anticipated weeks in my life. It is inevitable. GOD is always GOOD. HE spoke to me again in today’s Gospel.

John 4: 43-54

     After two days he departed to Galilee.

     For Jesus himself testified that a prophet has no honor in his own country.

     So when He came to Galilee, the Galileans welcomed him, having seen all that he had done in Jerusalem at the feast., for they too had gone to the feast.

     So he came again to Cana in Galilee, where he had made the water wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death.

     “Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders,” Jesus told him, “you will never believe.”

     The royal official said, “Sir, come down before my child dies.”

     Jesus replied, “You may go. Your son will live.” 

     The man took Jesus at his word and departed. While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living. When he inquired as to the time when his son got better, they said to him, “The fever left him yesterday at the seventh hour.”

     Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus had said to him, “Your son will live.” So he and all his household believed.

     This was the second miraculous sign that Jesus performed, having come from Judea to Galilee.

Indeed, FAITH can make things happen. My mom sent this text message to me, she must have thought of me when she read this:

In today’s Gospel, we witnessed the Royal Official’s faith grew. First, he believed that Jesus could heal his son. Second, he believed that Jesus would do what he claimed. Third, he and his whole family believed in Jesus.

Amen, I say. God has written my life so beautifully. I will keep my faith.

With Honors

I saw the movie again. As expected, it moved me again…

Simon Wilder: You asked the question, sir, now let me answer it. The beauty of the Constitution is that it can always be changed. The beauty of the Constitution is that it makes no set law other than faith in the wisdom of ordinary people to govern themselves.
Professor Pitkannan: Faith in the wisdom of the people is exactly what makes the Constitution incomplete and crude.
Simon Wilder: Crude? No, sir. Our “founding parents” were pompous, white, middle-aged farmers, but they were also great men. Because they knew one thing that all great men should know: that they didn’t know everything. Sure, they’d make mistakes, but they made sure to leave a way to correct them. The president is not an “elected king,” no matter how many bombs he can drop. Because the “crude” Constitution doesn’t trust him. He’s just a bum, okay Mr. Pitkannan? He’s just a bum.

 

Monty: Why did you say that I was a loser?
Simon Wilder: Winners forget they’re in a race, they just love to run. You try too hard. 

Monty: Simon wrote his own obituary, and he asked me to read it. “Simon B. Wilder bit it on Wednesday.”
[they laugh]
Monty: “He saw the world out of the porthole of a leaky freighter, was a collector of memories, and interrupted a lecture at Harvard. In 50 years on earth he did only one thing he regretted. He is survived by his family: Jeff Hawks, who always remembers to flush; Everett Calloway, who knows how to use words; Courtney Blumenthal, who is strong, and also knows how to love; and by Montgomery Kessler, who will graduate life with honor, and without regret.”

I hope I can be like Monty… I hope I will stop trying TOO hard, LOVE the race and eventually… Graduate Life with honors and definitely, without regrets.

Sa iyo na bagong parating

Nawa’y maging daan ka upang ako’y maging mabuting tao at karapat-dapat.

Isa kang bagong simula. Ako’y nananalig sa kung ano’ng dala mo.

For Tatay and Nanay on their 51st

Last Sunday, my tita, dad and tito treated my lolo and lola to an early dinner in celebration of their 51st wedding anniversary. 

Nakakatuwa sila pag masdan. Kahit na para silang aso at pusa kung magbangayan, iba pa din ang itsura ng away ng mag-asawang 51 years nang nagsasama. Hehehe!

Wish ko? I-treat ang lolo ko ng Tenderloin Steak. ‘Yung gagamit sya ng steak knife. Nag-uulyanin na ang lolo ko. Hinahanap na niya ang buhay na mayroon sya noong nangingibang bansa pa sya. Binabalikan nya yung mga panahong ganoon ang madalas nyang kainin.

Para sa lola ko, I want to spend one whole day with her. I want to treat her to wherever she likes. Hindi sya mapaghanap. Ang gusto lang niya ay yung pakikinggan ang kwento nya. Yun ang gusto kong gawin. Makipagkwentuhan nang walang humpay sa lola ko.

Sana mas matagal pa silang magsama. Sana maging mas sweet pa sila sa isa’t isa sa mga susunod pang taon. I hope they continue to love each other despite age, memory gap and senility. I love them so much.

Impatient

Weekend. Saturday morning, I’m still in bed suffering from ladies’ monthly sickness. I sometimes hate getting moments like these, give me the chance to think of things I should not be thinking about.

I opened my previous yahoo mail address where some memories are. This time, I did it on purpose. I wanted to see what my reaction would be once I come across them. Nothing but gratitude. I am glad. If ever I felt sad, that is because “sayang” sya. Because honestly, with the people I meet now, with the individuals I consider to be potentials, he stands out still. Sa isang bagay lang naman talaga sya pumalya, yun nga lang… sa pinakaimportante pa. I hope I am not trying to find him in everyone I meet. I think I am not. Just that, the things I look for are the ideals I have and just so fortunate he somewhat has them. Wah! Ayoko na magdwell.

I feel I am becoming so impatient lately. I want to be able to earn enough and get my own car. I want to travel. I want an Asian cruise at least. I want to do a constant volunteer work. I want to get another job. I want to get this and that. I want to do this and that. I am impatient. I know, I know, it is wrong. Everything remains to be uncertain. That’s why, whenever I pray that HE lets me pass the test, I also pray that HE makes me pure and worthy to receive the GREAT blessing. I only have three months to pray about it. Limited time to plead. Pakiramdam ko? Takot na takot na ako.

That is why I try to divert my attention. Minsan sa mga less important things pa. First time I will tell about him. There is this one person. Never will I disclose his name, kaya itatago na lamang natin sya sa pangalang, “Akala ko sayang ka”. Hahaha! Effort na effort to keep his identity. I have been giving so much time and attention towards this person. Feeling ko kasi talaga ok sya. Challenging, mabait, tahimik, funny, successful, goal-oriented, family person, sweet and mysterious. He makes me smile even with simple things. And, he got me really occupied. Rare that a guy does that. I feel I have to brag about him more pero it is funny I can no longer think of words to do that. Not that there are no more to say. Siguro bad trip lang ako ngayon sa kanya. Maybe he is pre-occupied with his own thing lately when I, on the other hand, is done with my pleading and I am now in my relaxation mode. Have so much time to spend for him pero sya naman ang wala. Basta. Siguro hindi nga sya. I have to get back on track. Let him pass. To be that someone kasi… You have to show me that you GENUINELY care. You have to show me that you give me the attention I want even if it entails a little more from you. If you can’t give me that, then baka hindi nga pwede.

Hahaha. Cluttered thoughts today. SUSPECT: Month’s visit. Hahahaha!:-D

Para sa TAONG PAINTINDI

Hayy… Naku! Bakit ba may mga taong napaka-PAINTINDI?!!!

Magkano ka ba? Mahal ka ba para intindihin ka? Hay naku. Hindi talaga tayo magkakasundo. At AKO na lang ang nag-iilusyon na may FRIENDSHIP sa kabila ng differences natin. Nakakapang-init ka ng dugo! Nakakasira ka ng araw! Nakakastress ka! Isa kang malaking NEGATIVE ENERGY NA DAPAT DINEDEADMA.

Never ka naman nakatulong. Ano bang magandang nadulot mo sakin? Wala! Isa ka pa sa mga taong nagparamdam sa akin na wala akong value, well in fact, isa itong malaking PROJECTION.

Tigil-tigilan na! What made me hold on to your friendship? My idealisms! Pero crap those ideals, can’t deal with you! Tigilan na! Kanya-kanya na!

Whew! Naiinis talaga ako! This is my only place to rant. Sorry.. 

26 yo (celebration)

Big deal?

Of course! Never did a day celebrating another year of this blessed life just passes by. How did it go?

Monday (November 30): Lunch with my parents and brother. Missing my ate, kuya jd and Kitoy, of course. Spa with Mommy and Paulo. My parents with Dwight chose to spend the holiday with Gail’s family for a swimming get together.

Tuesday (December 1): Supposed to have dinner date with my brother, Dwight. Pero ndi natuloy. He chose to push through with a previously planned dinner with Gail and Tita Shiela and other friends.

Wednesday (December 2): Went home early from office. I was looking forward to a dinner date with my parents which I already have asked from them that Monday. When I got home, they were at Gail’s condo unit. We ended up eating dinner with Gail and her family. Nag-bless si papa ng unit ni Gail. Doon nauwi ang dinner date. alam na pala nila they’ll be spending the night sa 1902. Parang walang nakaalala sa request ko that I be able to spend time with them. Natulog lang sila after dinner and then past 12 midnight na kami nag-Baclaran.

Thursday (December 3): Dinner with Earl and Zeena. At least this time, inuna naman ako. We talked about dinner with friends the next day. Time for myself.

Friday (December 4): Truly a birthday eve. Invited friends over for dinner: earl, zeena, justy, winston, maizie, lorena, jason, rona, chito, andrei, raquel, corrine, jordan, mona, jayric, ia, and ramil. Justy, Lorena and I cooked. Nagkulang ang food so I had to have pizza and pasta delivered. Ramil brought a cake for me. Buti na lang. Nakawish ako. Hehe! Earl, Justy, Winston and Ramil welcomed my birthday with me.

Late na kami umuwi (morning na pala). Kaya napagalitan ako.:’(

Saturday (December 5):Supposed to be my day but got so busy with Diane’s wedding. Happy to be of help. Except nakakainis ang mga mahahaderang ninang nya. Arranged stuff for the church ceremony. Co-hosted the reception with Jomai. Buti nagjive kahit papano. Never fails naman kami ni Jom. Haha! He treated us to coffee. Sabi nya treat nya daw kasi birthday ko pero feeling ko treat nya din kasi manager na sya. Woohoo! Marie, Jab, Kahrs and Erbie went to our house to sleepover at uminom. Mamsy and mama oma prepared dinner. Nagstay na din highschool friends to have a little drink. Natuwa ako kasi nagjive din high school and college friends. Jomai stayed until almost 4 in the morning (sabik sa tao). Hehehe!

Sunday (December 6): Most awaited. Time with my family. My treat (supposedly)! A lot of other issues. I cant tell here, it may reach people concerned. Cannot, for now. I’ll keep it to myself muna. Mahirap na. Bottomline: ako pa daw ang walang gana. Ako pa ang walang energy for them. Please refer above (from Monday-Wednesday). Well, what’s FAMILY TIME? Issues?! Wala (labas sa ilong)! All I wanted was a little time with my family. And I rest my case.

My birthday? Hmmm… it was a lot better last year. But generally, it went well. At least better than an ordinary day. And realizations? Have a lot… Now that I am 26 yo.

Cannot think of a title

Disclaimer: My issues do not equal the Maguindanao Massacre. Hindi kayang tumbasan ng issues ko ang pagsigaw ng damdamin ng kung sino mang agrabyado sa Pacquiao-Ranillo love affair. It cannot match to whatever is going on inside the mind of whoever the next President of the Philippines will be. I know there is a bigger world out there… that my presence would not even create a ripple. But I hope I get my chance to air what I feel.:-(

It wasn’t a good week. Work is not ok. I had to do a Memorandum due by December 1 and I can’t even finish. That doesn’t make me sad. What frustrates me is the feeling of inadequacy. I feel I am not good enough… Not even enough. Parang wala akong kayang gawin. Parang wala akong improvement. Parang walang nagbago sakin. Parang lahat ng tao, nagdududa na kaya ko ring maging isa sa kanila… na magiging abugada din ako sa lalong madaling panahon. Parang lahat sila, iniisip na ndi pa yun mangyayari sa oras na aking inaasahan. I may just be paranoid. But please!!! It is a VERY SENSITIVE issue! Everything’s uncertain. Almost everything around me is in the brink of being unfavorable. So please… if it is about it, I better not hear it. If you have thoughts particularly pertaining to it, keep it to yourself. If you care enough, help me just improve myself. My faith is in a limbo… between believing HE will give it to me and that I still do not deserve it yet. So please… if you may just help me think of ways to improve. I know I can. I believe I have the heart. Ang kailangan ko lang ay mga taong may malasakit… malasakit na ako’y turuan, palakasin ang aking loob. Hindi kailangan na sabihan ako ng mabubuting bagay na hindi naman din totoo… sa halip, ang kailangan ko ay mga salita na may laman at hindi lamang hangin na wala ni katiting na tiwala. Basta. Ayoko namang hilingin sa Diyos na ipakita sa kanila na sila’y mali, that would not be a good bargain. That didn’t enter my mind from the very beginning. Ang gusto ko lang ay ituon ang aking isip sa misyon na sinabi kong akin bago ko pa suungin ang laban kasama ang Diyos. Pakiusap…

To end the week, I met with college friends. Another friend is about to marry. The third of the weddings I will be attending to in the next two months. First, Marcus and Maan’s, my friends from lawschool. Second is Diane and Clyde’s, Diane is my highschool bestfriend. Third, is Lenmark and Mae’s, Mae is a really close friend from UP Psych. Then fourth, is my boss’s. And then, Emer and Rish’s. They are all taking the next step.

When my friend Eunice got home from the meet up, she sent me an SMS telling me she had a great time with the group again. I told her I missed those times. Sabi nya sumakit daw ang panga nya. Then she said “oo nga, parang wala lang nagbago… maliban… may asawa na sila… tayo wala pa!” Sabi ko naman, “Ay, korek, eu! Naisip ko lang yung mga darating na taon… Sana wala pa ring magbago, maliban sana may asawa na rin tayo.” Aww…

When I got home, i placed Mae’s invitation to the other invitations i got. Then, made me think… grabe! ang tanda na nga namin. those people i once exchanged notes during perception class and spent nights doing term papers and discussing life-changing matters with. My closest friends are about to live their lives with people which, as I quote Mae said, “nakakatuwa lang yung feeling na secured ka… yung pakiramdam na kahit ilang beses kayong mag-away, ok lang. mapapagtiyagaan ka nya. yung kayo pa rin.” They already are secured. They are all marrying.

Then, i thought… when will i get my turn (hehe!)…

“I want to hold a hand when i pray;

one i would place food on a plate for; 

i will send messages telling where I am or what i’m doing when i feel like it;

cook food for;

choose clothes for or at least as to what colors match;

spend holidays with;

pick me up when it is already late;

feel comfortable answering my difficult and serious questions without throwing the questions back at me;

tell me “i miss you” and mean it;

spend time with my family and join us in dining out;

watch tagalog movies with me;

i would hug from the back;

put food into his mouth while he drives;

i would get lost with;

get stuck in traffic with;

discuss national issues with;

would understand my period;

I would say “i love you” to and “i’m in love with you”;

stay in love with and deeper everyday.

Dami pa yan. Gusto ko lang i-save sa isang malupit at bonggang bonggang marriage vow. I will be hearing a lot in the next months. Gene, prepare. Bawal ang magtumbling. hehehe!

P.S. This entry took some time for me to finish. Really wanted to write that night kasi i know my emotion’s too much to contain, I had to write them down and express. Pero I had to attend to something more important.. A close friend is leaving in a month. “I support your decision and I know you’ll grow in taking this next step. I am just sad because I know I surely will miss you. There could have been more that we can share. You’ve been a constant person. You’ll be missed, tsong. You take care of yourself there, ok? Make sure someone looks after you (kahit na nawiweirdohan ka sakin na kailangan ko pa ibilin yun, e matanda ka pa sakin). Basta, basta. Now, SG will surely be one country to visit considering lalo na andun ka na. Dalawin ka namin” Hayy… hindi ka na 3 tumblings-away. Ibang level na ‘to. See you soon, friend.”

I am concerned about you

God may allow us frustrations especially when we have worked so hard to deserve His Blessing… But, we must realize that in the end, we’ll see the reasons behind His work of shaping us to be more worthy of what’s best of the best we thought we can get. We’ll have it at the time and way we are much more in awe.

It is for you… I feel for you. I don’t know you that well but seeing you once in a while made me concerned of what you are and how you may be doing. I am afraid of what pain this challenge may cause you again. But be strong. I cannot come up to you and tell you this straight, I know you don’t know me much either and you may not even care about what I think… Thus, I tried to let it pass through somebody hoping that the message will reach you and help even the least possible way.

God has something best in the offing for you. Just be strong and SURRENDER. God cares. God loves you more than you think He does.

Relaxing weekend: Movie Marathon and Family Time

500 Days of Summer. That started my weekend. Finally, I was able to see the film. They told me it is nice, indeed it is a good one.

Summer: I knew I could promise him I’d feel the same way every morning. In a way that I.. I never could with you.

Ouch. Haha! Masabi lang. Pero sakit nun for Tom a.. and to everyone who can relate. Hehe.

My Only U. Haha! I said I wanted to watch a comedy movie and a Filipino movie at that. Then I found this. I started laughing and ended up crying. Haha! Mukhang ewan lang. I love the song “Growin’ Old With You” but the Tagalog version isn’t bad at all. Toni sang it well. I was teary eyed realizing along the way what the song really means to me ever since. Hehe!

The Lakehouse. We had the DVD copy of this movie eversince. But I don’t like to watch it before. Memories. Haha! But since I am ok now, I watched it again. Nice. Waiting.

Kate: It’s not meant to be.

Alex: No. Don’t say that. Something must’ve happened.

BFF. Haha! So funny. My mom wanted to see this movie with me eversince. But due to the Pre-bar schedule, we never got the chance to watch it together. My mom is an avid of Pinoy comedies. I love it when she laughs. The only thing I got to share with her is remembering the funny scenes we both recalled. Next time, mama, next time, ndi ko na mamimiss mga trip mo.

Close to you. Ang walang kamatayang Close to you. One of my favorite tagalog movies. Hehe! For whatever it’s worth and whatever it meant and for whatever memories it brings. hahaha! I still cry whenever I get to that part when Bru questions Palits for the sudden change of attitude.

Palits: Ikaw ba ndi magseselos pag nagkagirlfriend ako?

Bru: Ano ka? Ngayon pa nga lang gusto ko ng dukutin mga mata nila noh?

Palits: Ayun nga ang ibig kong sabihin. Masyado na kasi tayong nasanay na tayong dalawa lang. Tuloy nahihirapan na ang ibang tao na makapasok sa mga buhay natin.

Bru: Pero mamimiss kita.

Same old plot. But I still love it. Basta! Dahil sa maraming bagay.

When Love Begins. Wala lang. I just want to share I saw this movie at Cinema One. It was not as bad as I thoguht it was. 

Love me again (Land Down under). Sunod-sunod yung mga new films na hindi ko pa napapanood e. And since relaxation mode, pinanood ko na. Nice din sya. I like the lovescene at the stable. weird pero it was done artistically.

I had great family time during the weekend. I was with my parents saturday night. We attended our regular prayer meeting. Have not done that with them for quite some time now. Then ate at Jollibee after. Simple yet treasured times.

Nobody… Nobody can hurt us the most but the ones we love best.

Need I say more? Hehe!

Then I spent time with Papa sunday morning. We watched Pacquiao vs. Cotto Live. Hehe! Sabay talaga kaming sumisigaw at tumatayo sa upuan at nagtatawa sa mga katabi namin. Hehe! Kulit!

Then, papa, mama, dwight and I ate at Chowking after. We stayed there for three hours! hehehe! table hoarding. At si Papa, magdadasal ng prayer after meals, and dinasal “bless us, O Lord.” Hehe!

Saya! ang saya!:-)

Naku, yun pang October 6-24! Yun ang the best. Ndi na lang ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na maikwento. Pero yun ang best October ko, ever!!! Cute ng pamangkin ko. Love ko sya talaga! Kung mapopost ko lang lahat ng pictures dito of the best october, I will. Naku, tatry ko talaga! Miss ko na si ate. Miss ko na kuya jd. At higit sa lahat, miss ko na si kitoy! Sana makapunta na ako sa kanila.

Finally, i’m back!

Woohoo! Six months finally passed!

Off to a new phase! This is going to be exciting. I know, we cannot help but worry about the March announcement. I’m just excited about other things beside the results which has always been in His hands, and i’m always hopeful for. He has carried on. He shall bless us all.

More to come! Must have missed to tell things. Buit hopefully, I’ll be able to at least mention them once in a while.

The CHIEF Purpose

This is going to be fast. I just want to get it out of my mind in the hope of conveying a point to whoever must know.

Too many people come and pass by our lives. Some stay and some of them just go in a snap of a finger. Regardless of how long they stay, we always want to know why they came in the first place. We try to find for purposes they were made to serve.

Just recently, I caught myself crying as I think so hard of a purpose a friend has in my life. Maybe  because I wanted to get the grasp of why I am keeping that friend despite and inspite. First things and obvious thoughts came to me: to test my patience, to be of help to somebody, etc. But one idea made me cry buckets: HE CAME TO MAKE ME REALIZE THAT I WAS MADE TO KEEP THE THINGS I PRAYED TO LOSE. He came to make me realize that despite wanting to lose something as it is causing too much pain, there are reasons why we had and experienced them. That at the end of the quest, God will show us that the reason why He made us hold on to things despite our prayer that He takes them away is because THOSE THINGS ARE WORTH THE MEMORY, THE SMILES UPON THE THOUGHT OF THEM, THE BLISS WHEN WE REMINISCE HAVING THEM AND FINALLY, THE WORTHY HOPE THAT WE WILL HAVE THEM AGAIN (despite the different wrap).

Maybe this is offensive for the person who made me realize. Comparison came in. Nevertheless, you are worth the patience and maybe the tears. I will be ok now. I need all the peace of mind I can get. Hindi naman sa kanya-kanya, pero try ko lang i-adopt ang konsepto ng “cold”. At least until after the Bar. Ako naman muna. Pero promise, andito lang ako, andito pa rin ako.

Oplan: Passive ME

Exactly two months before the first Sunday of the bar examinations. I am not yet done with the first reading phase of all the bar subjects. What got me to write?

I am procrastinating! Literally doing it and attributing it to people. Well in fact, it is all just me. I got myself to things I am not supposed to meddle with. Now, I am just so hooked; therefore, should be bound to be a little bit subdued if I am to set my priorities right. Not that I intend to be less of a friend or of a sister or less of who I am to them, but I know this is what I have to do… now, for myself.

This is what sacrifice entails. I have to do this. If that would mean I will be less available… I am sorry. I know they will understand. But will I be able to sustain it? Will I be able to understand myself? I hope so.

Things are getting out of hand. Got myself too affected. So I had to do something for myself. Maybe it is also telling me something else–that my stand on certain matters has been affected by what I have been all along. I have been bad. Maybe, I really have to make an active effort to get myself off it this time. Maybe I have not been objective the whole time though I may have seemed to try.

The fact remains, I have to be a bit more passive from this moment on. I have to be a little half-hearted of things not mine and be more focused and enthusiastic of what is given me. I have to trudge my own path. Let people make their own decisions, resolve things their way, do things based on how they want to do it while I EYE ON MY OWN CHALLENGE and  most importantly, LIVE GOD’s WILL FOR ME.

Resolved. Ready? I hope. Crossing my fingers. Three-day hibernation is my first step to being a bit detached but myself. Still forgiving and loving myself for a temporary me I have to put on.

Nakakaaliw na thoughts

two days in hibernation and i’m looking forward to more in the coming days. daming changes sa mga tao lalo na sa mga kakilala ko.

nakakaaliw ‘yung thoughts ko kanina lang… question is: why do we hurt? Why do we think we hurt? Why do we think other people hurt us?

Well, we really hurt. It is inevitable. It is a manifestation of existence (parang redundant). But does it have to be in relation to how other people treat us? Do we really have to attribute it to how others relate to us? In psychology, it is referred to as “fundamental attribution error”.

I realized (though absorption will come in much later, i guess) that it is not always about and because of others. In love, for example, we must grasp that most of the time, we hurt not because the other seems to be well or living well without us. Sometimes, it is not about them trying to show us that they are better off without us. It is actually just about them. Solely and independently. Not in any relation to us. They maybe ok not in any connection to us not being around them. They are simply ok. Period. Simple. It is not always about us loving them. It is not always about us thinking that our presence in their lives is all that they need.

Haha! wala lang. naisip ko lang. A thought I had because of somebody I know, just before i proceed to transportation laws. hehehe!

:-)

I need a RESET button

RESET me now!!!

I need to be ok. I need to get back on my feet. I need to literally bounce back. This situation cannot drag me any longer. This has to stop. The countdown to September literally began. 90 days according to Yari. Wooh!!! So, this has to stop.

BOUNCE BACK, Gene! Bounce back!

Plus I hate the fact that I have become the epitome of an “emo” and “pessimist”! I cannot exude that. That cannot be what people see when they look at me. I must go back. It cannot span as long as the illness, as long as I feel helpless because as resigned, I am powerless.

Maybe going back home will help. Maybe staying there will make me well. Maybe staying away from what may be causing the sadness will give me that RESET button. Hibernation.

What finally got me to write

It is so funny. My last entry was a day before I took leave from office for formal bar review. What finally got me to write again? I must admit, there were a lot of blessings to share, so many events which transpired. They are all worth writing about–deliberations, graduation, start of formal review, Papa Taba’s 63rd Birthday, among others. Not that what got me to write now stands out among the things mentioned. They are just so overwhelming that I guess, words would not be enough to convey how I felt about all of them.

And now, there are so many thoughts and I feel I am bothered by a lot of things. I’ve started formal review. I am not doing anything now aside from reviewing (I am referring to the fact that I’ve dropped work temporarily). It is draining and monotonous. But that is something we all have already expected.

What finally got me to write then? What could have brought about such feeling that I so wanted to write now?

He is sick. I cannot do anything about it but say “Pagaling ka.” Sure, I have resigned to the smallest and even the most negligible role. I just feel helpless. I am feeble. I know I am in no position to do anything too actively. I know. But let me just air this here. This is my place, my comfort zone, right?

But really, I am worried. And I cannot be too vocal about it to anyone. What can I do? I hope he gets well soon. I hope he be well taken cared of. This is not the first time I got alarmed of his being sick. Good thing she is there. It is so nice to know he is cared for by somebody he wanted to care for him. Just what he needs, I believe.

I must admit, I wanted to do something for him as well. I wanted to do even the littlest, a step beyond what role I have now. cook food, buy medicines, etc. but i cannot do that. Pathetic? Maybe.

She is blessed. She has the chance to do it for him. Whatever interpretation there is for this that I feel now, I AM SO SORRY. I just have to let it out.

Then I felt less of myself. Am I not so caring enough? Am I unworthy and so undeserving to care for someone? Or really that this is a role I am bound to play? Thus, a resignation.

I just pray you get well. Take care, my friend. Take care.

Oceans will Part

I am restless. And I hate it. It implies to me that I am doubting, I am losing my faith. And I don’t like it. Minutes away from a sort-of-life-defining news, I cannot lose my faith now. I have surrendered it to Him before. He told me He has won the battle with me already. I should not hesitate now. Truly, HIS love can never be outgiven.

Verse 1:
If my heart has grown cold,
There Your love will unfold;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.
When I’m blind to my way,
There Your Spirit will pray;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.

Chorus:
Oceans will part; nations come
At the whisper of Your call.
Hope will rise; glory shown.
In my life, Your will be done.

Verse 2:
Present suffering may pass,
Lord, Your mercy will last;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.
And my heart will find praise,
I’ll delight in Your way,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.

He’s triumphed with me after five years and I am claiming it. To HIM be the glory.

"moment" lang

Haha! This is so funny. Part of the daydream, I guess. It may be wanting to get more reasons to continue thinking about a happy thought. Hehe! I came across this in my archived files:

Labdude: ano ba talaga? Can you just tell me what’s in your mind? What’s in your heart?

Gene: …….

Labdude: c’mon.

Gene: I just don’t want to lose you in any way that whatever it must be that we have to be then so be it.. I just want things clear..

Gene: gets mo?

Labdude: vague.

Gene: that I want to be on the right track.. that I want to get a grasp of what it is.. that I want to be able to understand but not demanding.

Gene: get it?

Gene: meaning that whatever it is in my mind and heart can go with what it should be, that it can settle with where it should be as long as I don’t lose what we have.

Labdude: ya. U told me that before. I know that already. And I’ll never forget about that. It thought it is something else you have to say.

Labdude: nyway, thanks for the assurance that you’ll just be right there. We’ll never lose what we have unless we let it.

So nice. Very timely. I was inspired. I was given more reason to be positive about it. My faith was strengthened. I don’t have the hard copies of my journal where everything is written. It is now in the hands of someone I have entrusted it with. I have handed it to someone who was with me during the surrender. Coming across some of them in my files is cute. I’m hanging on to the happy thought. Dami pa actually na SAD lines and memories sa files. Yoko na lang magdwell. Hehehe! Dito lang. Selective na kung selective. Hehehe! Ako ‘to e.